5-a-side the American way A few weeks ago I started playing 5-a-side. A mate of mine entered a team into an indoor league and we play every Sunday morning. It's fun and gets my heart racing. I've never been one for the gym, although I've tried but I get so much more out of running around a pitch playing a team sport.

I used to play every Monday at home and up until the other week I had not played since October 2003 so I was a bit rusty but I've still got it, if you know what I mean!

But, in American 5-a-side (at least the one we play anyway) there are differences. Firstly the league is co-ed, i.e. mixed. I found that a bit weird at first until some fucking bird took me out late in the 2nd week and bloody damaged my elbow. She was a looker though so I was probably looking for a bit of bodily contact!

Then the goalkeepers can't handle the ball, which after playing and watching for 30-odd years is kind of hard. It's a natural reaction to put your hands up when you are in between the sticks. In my first spell in goal I gave away two penalties - I did save both though! The goals are hockey goals and are tiny and lastly we play 3 halfs, or thirds I suppose you call it, of 15 minutes each.

Our team is called the Chicago Caretakers (don't ask me why, cos I don't know) and we have played 5 games and won 3 and lost 2 (one of which I missed). We are currently 4th in the table out of 8 and play the league leaders on Sunday. The season ends in good American style with 2 weekends of play-offs.

We have a proper ref and in fact there is a website with written reports of each game. Now this is the funny bit. This was last week's write up. If you watch Soccer AM, or you live in North America then you will realise that the 'Pilgrims' features are cringingly accurate.

"Hello Sports Monsters, It is time for the weekly review. The Sunday morning started of with Degenerates taking over Team Thor by 7-1. The Degenerates never left a doubt about their victory and remain on the third seat. When everybody thought the game will end in a tied Red Devils scored the winning goal in the match against McKinsey and got the three points to their account. The Chicagoland Caretakers scored seven times and Atzteca just three in the third match this day. With the third lose in the third game Atzteca stays at the end of the standings. With a three games winning streak and 40 scored goals team ZS-FC remain on the peak position. The Caregivers never really had a chance in this game."

I will keep you updated of our progress.  ¶ 17:54