Unaccustomed as I am.... This evening I fly back to London for the 2nd time this month, this time for the wedding for which I am best man. The wedding is on Friday, down in the New Forest and I am set for a weekend clocking up the miles. I fly back next Tuesday and no, The Riverside Stadium is unfortunately not on my route map, although by all accounts it is snowing quite hard up there.

I will use the flight to prepare my speech, which currently is in scribbles and doodles on a back of a napkin and get some shut-eye.

I spend a lot of time at airports. Not because I have become a plane spotter you understand just because I get a lot of planes. In fact earlier this week I was at O'Hare Airport after flying back from St Louis and whilst wondering around there I felt compelled to ask this question: "Why do people dress for plane journeys like they surely would never dress anywhere else?"

Men, women, kids, they all dress terribly. Shorts, cut-downs, flip-flops, big stupid hats, t-shirts with far-flung holiday destinations on them (normally Hawaii), tracksuits, oversized basketball tops, flowery shirts, big fuck off trainers, ridiculous sunglasses.... I saw them all and the weather in Chicago was -2C.

People used to dress up for airplane journeys didn't they? Now they look like they are taking the rubbish down to the tip or they're preparing for Halloween or something. And this is not just an American thing, oh no. At Heathrow, when I was there earlier in the month I'd never seen so many fat arses tucked into tracksuit bottoms.

What are these people thinking when they open their wardrobes in the morning? "Right, I have a flight to catch, so let me wear this old faded Hard Rock, Jamaica t-shirt I bought in 1982! That will look the part."

No more, I am going to recommend that the immigration authorities make a new rule. In the future anyone dressing up like Timmy Mallet will not be allowed on an airplane!  ¶ 13:21